Valentine Blues

It’s a week to Valentine’s Day but I’m tired of hearing all about it. I can’t have a conversation without someone asking what I have planned for THAT day.

Anyway, today, I tell myself, I’m not going to think about it, I’ll just chill and relax.

A couple of hours later, bored, I’m scrolling mindlessly through my twitter and see a tweet from @badgirlly39 pop up on my timeline, I frown. She’s one of those air-headed twitter ‘influenzas’ I make a point of duty not to follow, I prefer my TL drama free, thank you, but somehow here she is.

@badgirlly39: Ladies, what are we getting for these men this Valentine? If he gets you anything less than 200k, buy him lux singlet and boxers.

@redhairpinkylips: What is 200k? Dis year, we are movin bigger n better, girls. Btw, these Nigerian men deserve nothing.. You can still ‘off pant and hang leg’, sha

@BigSam080: Idiots like the both of you are what’s wrong with feminism in this country, sexualizing your bodies for money and still demanding respect. @badgirlly39, I’m sure you’ve never even seen 100k in your measly life.

@redhairpinkylips: Ur mother is d idiot. Ode. I’m sure ur broke ass can’t afford ordinary pef for ur babe, that’s why u are coming on twitter to cry like the imbecile u r.

@BigSam080: lol @Nene_Stark baby, this was supposed to be a surprise but I’m feeling petty, I booked us that trip to Sicily. Here’s a screen shot of our tickets.

@Nene_Stark: Lmao, my love! You blow my mind every single time. I thought Abu Dhabi and the Lexus were early Valentine presents! Oh, screenshots attached too.

I roll my eyes and sigh, na wa o, people have money in this life but then, it’s that time of the year when the world conspires to remind you of how broke, unlovable and what a single pringle you are.

There’s about 2000 replies to that mess of a thread, ranging from @badgirlly39’s diehard followers (broke girls, mostly) vehemently agreeing with the singlet and boxers idea to some people cursing at her and calling her shallow minded (cue angry twitter men).

I scroll down, past several tweets and pictures of people telling their love stories, showing off lovers, sharing how they met, telling the world the things they or their significant others are planning to do for the dreaded day and I feel the bile rising up my throat as my heart sinks as the same time.

I tell myself it’s social media and everyone is just ‘packaging’ and showing off, it isn’t all real. But I can rationalize all I want and it still wouldn’t erase the fact that real or not, at least, these people had someone to make them feel wanted, someone that wanted them enough to be with them, show them off even on toxic places like twitter, someone they could at the very least take pictures with. I can not remember the last time I took a picture that wasn’t a selfie with only myself in it.

I knew I should close the app and do something else, but immediately I closed my twitter app, my fingers automatically opened instagram. I’m lonely, I don’t want to be alone with my thoughts, I think the constant stream of information that social media gives will distract me but it seems to only worsen things.

The first thing I see on my page is Patrick’s story. Patrick is my ex, who ‘hates’ social media and PDA, including ‘putting our relationship up for the world to see’, I called it showing each other off, I mean, what girl doesn’t want to be showed off, but that’s not even the point.

We were together 3 years but we decided to end things last year because I didn’t feel like he paid me any attention; stiff, self-centered Patrick who didn’t know how to have any fun, I didn’t miss him one bit.

I scrunch my face and click on his story, since when does Patrick even do IG stories? I muttered to myself.

The bastard!

There’s a series of short videos of him snuggling with his new girlfriend, both of them eating their stupid happy faces with sloppy kisses, and he smacking her butt in one. Wait, what? When did Patrick become a butt smacker who exhibits to the world. And then, there are the captions under the updates:

“ Just booked us trips to the lover’s dream destinations. “

“Her kisses are the best thank yous.”

“Bali.. Paris.. Santorini.. 2020 is a great year #thebestvalentines”

Wow.

Why is everyone traveling? Where are they seeing money to do these things? I think of my bank balance and cringe. It will take me to Cotonou at least.

But then, I can’t help feeling hurt, this Patrick was the idiot who said he didn’t believe in putting aside a specific day for celebrating love and that the whole concept of Valentine’s Day wasn’t meant to be romantic and yadayada..

God!

I closed my eyes and dropped my phone. I had tortured myself enough for the day. I could feel myself beginning to entertain thoughts like

‘Why am I not worthy of being loved the way other women seem to be loved?’

‘Why would someone compromise for me? ‘

‘Is there something wrong with me? Is it my weight? My skin? My small boobs? Is my butt too big?…Omg, do I have mouth odour?’

‘Why in heaven’s name do I have such bad luck with men I fall in love with!’

I could feel the tears prick my eyes but I refused to let them fall. Valentine’s Day for me whether I was in a relationship or not, was a sad time. I had never felt loved on any day, either by myself or by someone else and it just got a thousand times worse on this stupid day. I was just going to go to work, go off social media, stay away from my friends and curl under the covers with smutty romance novels and booze whenever I could until all the buzz of Valentine’s day was over.

I rolled over to pick a book when my mother barged into my room. Yes, let’s not forget that I still live with my parents at 27.

She frowned at me lying on the bed and snickered,

“Toh, how will you find man when you always lock yourself in the house as if somebody died? So no one is going to bring Valentine’s cake to this house this year too, abi? I pity you o.”

I ignored her but she didn’t even wait for an answer.

“Anyway, I wanted to ask you, what’s the name of the fancy restaurant you mentioned the other day? Your father and I want to go there for Valentine’s day, I also want to start the Instagramming.”

Wait, what the hell?

I hate Valentine’s Day.

~ Grey

Feeling blue? visit:

https://balans.life/

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